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Hey, it's Alayna.

I forgot how good it feels to throw up my food..

My cousin told me that I’ve gained weight and that I need to work out. I wonder if he knows that I know that already. I wonder if he knows how insecure I am of my body. I wonder if he knows the things I’ve done in order to lose weight.

It’s time to get back to my regular schedule of not eating, or at lease eating way less than I do now. It’s time to start eating at 4 o’clock in the afternoon and stopping at 7 o’clock at night. It’s time to start eating just fruits or crackers for the day.

It’s terrible of how much weight I’ve gained. A month and a half or two months ago, I was 120 pounds. Now I’m 130 pounds… What the fuck happened to me? I’m gross. I’m fucking disgusting.

How am I suppose to get to my goal of being 108 pounds when I keep eating all the time? I’m so retarded. Just because I’m feeling a bit better with life doesn’t give me the right to eat. The hell is wrong with me? I need to control myself again. I need to stop eating.

I like being alone, not feeling alone.
Yeah, I did and I’m probably not. And what’s sad is knowing I’m not good enough for anyone..

You can’t just do that to a person. You can’t tell them sweet words, then tell them they should move on and wait for someone better to come along. It doesn’t work like that. You can’t just kiss me and hold me as if I’m yours, and let me go the next day without any explanation. Are you trying to kill me?
I put my guard down for you. I told you my true feelings. You had me believe that we had something somewhat special. How could I have been so stupid? I didn’t mean anything to you. Like we agreed, we were just having fun. You never liked me. You liked my kisses and my ass. You liked that I gave you so much attention.
Did you enjoy the game that you played? Because I didn’t, and I’m not going to let it happen again.. I hope.

That’s when you know you gotta lose a bunch of fucking weight. When your cousin brings up that you’re getting big and starting to look like your mom..

I have come to the conclusion that I really, really like you. You’re so cute and sweet to me, it makes me feel like I’m flying on cloud nine. But I feel that the little “thing” we’re having between us should stop. I dont know if you like me, or if you still like your best friend, or if you even like me at all, and it’s really important to know at lease one of those. I mean you tell me the most sweet-sounding words, but what if you’re just being charming? I don’t want to take it the wrong way and get hurt in the end.. Plus you never really have time for me. You always have something to do. You’re always so busy. How would we even work? I don’t know.. Stop being you, so I can stop too.